Friday, August 26, 2011

Dependency vs. Friendship

I think that when the majority of your friends don't truly understand who you are, it is much easier to become attached to the friends that do. As a transperson, it can sometimes be unwise to disclose everything to everyone, so the select few that know the truth about you can suddenly become incredibly important, but where do you draw the line between dependency and friendship.

I have my own personal example about this with a close friend of mine. I have been more open with her than anyone and she accepts me completely. She, however, is going through a lot of issues in her own life as well and I feel that going through these things together has brought us much closer, perhaps too close?

I began to question my attachment to her, because although she is my best friend, she certainly does wield a certain amount of power over me. I noticed this specifically when I asked if maybe she could come to visit me on my sixteenth birthday so that it would be extra-special, but she refused for personal reasons. Although I really did try to sympathize with her, I couldn't help but feel hurt and upset. It was my first instinct to sulk and decide against doing anything for my birthday, but then it occurred to me how positively ridiculous that would be.

I am going to make a conscious effort to be more independent and try to feel closer to more people instead of just a select group. I think in a time as hectic as transition, that can be good advice for anyone.

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

He Will Hit You Again

Hi everyone! Well, during my long hiatus from posting, a pretty significant event went on.

I never made any mention of it, but my father has always been abusive. From emotional to physical abuse, he's really guilty of almost everything a person can be in the way that they treat other people. Some of my earliest memories are of him losing his temper and laying hands on me or spewing his hurtful words. I usually just shut up, or cried, but later I would always go back. Women through the ages have said it, but I will not hesitate to tell you again: If a man ever hits you, he will hit you again and it will never stop.

This particular incident was of him hearing some mention I made of the Oprah Winfrey Show (mistake #1), which made him think he had the right to call me a certain word beginning with "f" and ending in "t", we've all heard it. I then told him rather calmly, but bitterly, that he ought not to use words like that because if he slipped up he would use his job (mistake #2). He then told me that I had better hope nothing like that happens because then I would be "screwed financially," (I wouldn't, my mother is a lot of things but she's also a stable provider). At this point I was just absolutely seething, I haven't felt an ounce of love towards that man in I don't know how long. I got the courage to tell him, "You would deserve it," (mistake #3 and the kiss of death)

This began an episode in which he first ejected me from his apartment, saying terrible, vulgar things as I walked out, and ultimately I just couldn't take it and I called out, "drop dead!" behind me. It felt wonderful. However, he then burst through the apartment door, seized my arm, and started screaming and cursing. I yelled and kicked as loud and as hard as I could so he couldn't get me back in that god-forsaken apartment. I knew what would happen if he did. He quickly let me go (I believe out of fear of someone seeing him) and recoiled into his house.

I have since refused all contact. I've been at my mother's house ever since. The next time he decides to call and try to leave me some sob story on my answering machine, or further berate my mother, I'm going to answer and calmly explain to him that I will not be seeing him anymore. I have no ill will towards him, but there is no room for him or that kind of behavior in my life. He never learned the truth about me and I think he just proved that he never deserves to.

No one, will ever lay a hand on me again.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Another Successful Coming Out!

During these past few months that I have not been regularly posting, something incredible has happened!

I had the pleasure of being honest with my grandmother and telling her who I am and what I'm doing. I can just say it was predictable, yet fantastic! I never believed she would have a problem with it, and she certainly didn't! It's sort of funny, seeing as she never would believe that my mom was having a boy until I was actually born. I guess she was right after all!

This is not to say however, that people can always be so predictable. Never allow yourself to believe that someone can't reject you just because you don't think  they will.

I am so lucky to have had such a positive experience this time around, and even luckier to have yet another loved one supporting me! I wish you all the very same acceptane and more!

Exciting and Scary Things Ahead!

Hey, everyone! I'm still sort of in a period where finding the time or energy to keep my posts interesting isn't the easiest thing to do, but I think you will see an increase in updates from here on.

As of now, I officially have 15 days left of school (only 12 if you don't count testing days)! With summer approaching, I am also coming up on my first chance to live honestly as myself.

I haven't set an exact date for when I am going to go full-time, but once I'm out of school, it can be whenever I feel ready. I do however, have a rough estimate of when I want things to happen. By the end of 2011, I hope to be in a position to go full-time and I hope to have my name changed by this time next year.

It's a little intimidating for me to stare at the blank canvas that is my life so far and know that I soon have to start filling it up. I don't know yet how exactly it is going to turn out, but I do know that there are new and exciting things to come! :-D

Monday, May 9, 2011

Chaz Bono on Oprah!

When I sat down today to carry out my daily ritual of watching the Oprah Winfrey Show, I had no idea that I was in for such an amazing show!

Chaz Bono was (and may still be coming up depending on your time zone) and it was a spectacular interview! Oprah spoke to Chaz about issues from living in the wrong body, coming out to Cher and the rest of his family, top and bottom surgery, and even his relationship with his significant other (who appeared on the show with him).

I'll have to pick up a copy of Chaz Bono's new book, "Transition: the Story of How I Became a Man." It is sure to be a good read!

If you missed it today, make sure to watch his documentary, "Becoming Chaz," on the Oprah Winfrey Network tomorrow night!

Chaz seems like such a happy, fulfilled man now and I think he is a shining example of what os is to be a transperson. He's doing us proud!

Sunday, April 17, 2011

I'm Not Dead Yet!

Hey everybody, I'm so sorry that I haven't been posting regularly. I can't believe I let it go for almost a month... To anyone reading this, thanks for not bailing on me! I'm just handling a lot of crazy stuff as I wrap up what may be my last year in regular school.

I've been on Spring Break, doing standardized testing, submitting paperwork to my new virtual school (yay!), and getting ready to go to court to testify in a case that I'm not sure if I'm allowed to talk about or not. To sum it up, there was some violence that was going to take place in my school and the person that was going to do it used to have some obsession with me.

I really appreciate those of you who regularly check my blog for updates, but I'm really sorry to tell you that posts are going to be a little more spaced out than usual with everything that's going on. I really appreciate you sticking with me and just know that I'll have more time to dedicate to this blog after this term gets over with!

Sunday, March 27, 2011

The Choice

So I was just talking with my mom about my sweet sixteen in December. I know it's a long way away, but since I've already missed my entire childhood, I'm unwilling to let what is really the last big event in a girl's life before she reaches womanhood. I plan to have a venetian-masquerade themed party with all the bells and whistles. I want at least a few pictures to show my children of how their mommy looked when she was young. I will already be full-time so it is certainly do-able, it is just a matter of how. Before I presented it to my mom, I had already researched it and was reading off quotes and figures from my little green book.

She said that is is do-able, pretty much exactly the way  I want it, but since money is tight, and venues and catering is expensive, I am going to have to choose between an enormous celebration and a car. While one could argue that a car is more practical, the pictures and memories of this momentous celebration seem priceless to me. My mind is pretty much made up about this, I was just wondering what you guys would think. Would you take the car, or the huge party?