I think that when the majority of your friends don't truly understand who you are, it is much easier to become attached to the friends that do. As a transperson, it can sometimes be unwise to disclose everything to everyone, so the select few that know the truth about you can suddenly become incredibly important, but where do you draw the line between dependency and friendship.
I have my own personal example about this with a close friend of mine. I have been more open with her than anyone and she accepts me completely. She, however, is going through a lot of issues in her own life as well and I feel that going through these things together has brought us much closer, perhaps too close?
I began to question my attachment to her, because although she is my best friend, she certainly does wield a certain amount of power over me. I noticed this specifically when I asked if maybe she could come to visit me on my sixteenth birthday so that it would be extra-special, but she refused for personal reasons. Although I really did try to sympathize with her, I couldn't help but feel hurt and upset. It was my first instinct to sulk and decide against doing anything for my birthday, but then it occurred to me how positively ridiculous that would be.
I am going to make a conscious effort to be more independent and try to feel closer to more people instead of just a select group. I think in a time as hectic as transition, that can be good advice for anyone.
Showing posts with label social situations. Show all posts
Showing posts with label social situations. Show all posts
Friday, August 26, 2011
Sunday, March 27, 2011
The Choice
So I was just talking with my mom about my sweet sixteen in December. I know it's a long way away, but since I've already missed my entire childhood, I'm unwilling to let what is really the last big event in a girl's life before she reaches womanhood. I plan to have a venetian-masquerade themed party with all the bells and whistles. I want at least a few pictures to show my children of how their mommy looked when she was young. I will already be full-time so it is certainly do-able, it is just a matter of how. Before I presented it to my mom, I had already researched it and was reading off quotes and figures from my little green book.
She said that is is do-able, pretty much exactly the way I want it, but since money is tight, and venues and catering is expensive, I am going to have to choose between an enormous celebration and a car. While one could argue that a car is more practical, the pictures and memories of this momentous celebration seem priceless to me. My mind is pretty much made up about this, I was just wondering what you guys would think. Would you take the car, or the huge party?
She said that is is do-able, pretty much exactly the way I want it, but since money is tight, and venues and catering is expensive, I am going to have to choose between an enormous celebration and a car. While one could argue that a car is more practical, the pictures and memories of this momentous celebration seem priceless to me. My mind is pretty much made up about this, I was just wondering what you guys would think. Would you take the car, or the huge party?
Thursday, March 24, 2011
My Light in the Darkness
I spent the day down in the dirt. Not only did I get caught falling asleep in class, but I was also accosted by an insane girl in the hallway who insisted I had committed some heinous crime against her, and to top it all off, I was interrogated by the police about some insane guy that used to have some infatuation with me and is now facing felony charges.
While all this was happening, I had one thought it my head, "I have someone to talk to at the end of this. I have someone who will care. I HAVE a best friend, and her name is Kali Kelly! (changed her name for safety purposes)"
Kali is the Louise to my Thelma, the Beyonce to my Gaga, and the Oprah to my Gayle. At times, she serves as my center and foundation and I will always be around to do the same for her. There really are no words for me to describe what our bond is in today's society, but all I know is that I'm lucky to have already found one soul-mate, and any guy will be lucky to be runner-up.
While all this was happening, I had one thought it my head, "I have someone to talk to at the end of this. I have someone who will care. I HAVE a best friend, and her name is Kali Kelly! (changed her name for safety purposes)"
Kali is the Louise to my Thelma, the Beyonce to my Gaga, and the Oprah to my Gayle. At times, she serves as my center and foundation and I will always be around to do the same for her. There really are no words for me to describe what our bond is in today's society, but all I know is that I'm lucky to have already found one soul-mate, and any guy will be lucky to be runner-up.
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Kayley's Reaction
I just got off the phone. It was the first time I talked to Kayley after I came out to her. It was emotional, and there was some crying, but she came through for me like I knew she would. She expressed some concern and confusion, as would be expected, but she made it very clear that we will always be friends and she will always have my back. It just feels good to know that there are some people that you can just always count on. This is a very difficult time, but knowing that many people, along with Kayley, will still be with me on the other side. I advise anyone feeling completely alone to come out to someone that you know will accept you. Every time I do, my love, and my world, grows a little bit bigger.
Came Out to Another Friend
Today, after having a wonderful mall day with my friend Kayley and a few of her friends, I knew I couldn't wait any longer to tell her. She is one of my closest friends and I just couldn't bear the feeling that she didn't truly know me. So to bring myself some peace, and to strengthen our bond (hopefully), I sent her this letter:
Dear Kayley,
I've been meaning to tell you something for a very long time, but I have been putting it off. I have held this inside since before you even know me, not because I don't trust that you will always be there for me, but because it is a very difficult thing to discuss. I am not gay. I am a transsexual. This means that I feel that the body assigned to me at birth doesn't match my mind. Inside, I feel like a girl, just like you. This is why (if you've noticed) I flinch when you refer to me as, "your gay best friend," or imply any other masculine thing.I am in the process of changing my outside to match my inside. I have started hormone blockers so that I will not develop any more masculine features, and I am in the process of going through speech therapy to change the way I talk. Pretending to be someone I'm not has caused a lot of conflict in my life and I no longer want to feel like a depressed shell of a person. I plan to live my life as my true self after this year, and that is why I am going to home school for a year or two so I can adjust to my proper gender-role.I had to tell you this now because I can't keep secrets from you. Of all the people in the world, I HAVE to be real and myself with you. I hope you know that I will still be me, and you will still be my best friend. I know that you love me and I feel that you will be able to come to terms with this. I will be happy to answer any questions you have and I hope that our friendship will remain as strong as ever.
Love always,
your best friend
Dear Kayley,
I've been meaning to tell you something for a very long time, but I have been putting it off. I have held this inside since before you even know me, not because I don't trust that you will always be there for me, but because it is a very difficult thing to discuss. I am not gay. I am a transsexual. This means that I feel that the body assigned to me at birth doesn't match my mind. Inside, I feel like a girl, just like you. This is why (if you've noticed) I flinch when you refer to me as, "your gay best friend," or imply any other masculine thing.I am in the process of changing my outside to match my inside. I have started hormone blockers so that I will not develop any more masculine features, and I am in the process of going through speech therapy to change the way I talk. Pretending to be someone I'm not has caused a lot of conflict in my life and I no longer want to feel like a depressed shell of a person. I plan to live my life as my true self after this year, and that is why I am going to home school for a year or two so I can adjust to my proper gender-role.I had to tell you this now because I can't keep secrets from you. Of all the people in the world, I HAVE to be real and myself with you. I hope you know that I will still be me, and you will still be my best friend. I know that you love me and I feel that you will be able to come to terms with this. I will be happy to answer any questions you have and I hope that our friendship will remain as strong as ever.
Love always,
your best friend
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Saying Goodbye
The word "goodbye" is normally a common word in a transperson's vocabulary. More often than not, embracing one's true self means saying goodbye to many people in our lives. I had a very personal encounter with "goodbye" today, although it was entirely unrelated to my transition.
My best friend in school, Kit, is moving tomorrow, and today was her last day at my high school. We've only known eachother for about a year since we're both freshman, but in the chaos of high school, alliances and bonds form quickly. We've had so many good times and she is so supportive of me in everything that I do. Before she left, I made her a memory book full of pictures of us and all of our friends. In return, she gave me a sentimental letter that nearly brought me to tears in the middle of history class. I think that I might keep that letter in my pocket for a little while, so when I miss her, it will be there.
While I still cannot imagine how life will be without her, I understand that these things have to happen. As I am making my way towards my rightful place in the world, everyone else is heading towards theirs. While my journey is taking place here at the moment, hers is leading her somewhere else, and to reach where we need to be in our lives, we have to accept change. I have learned from this friendship, though. I now know that if I can say goodbye to someone that I care about and survive, then I can say goodbye to any friends or family that reject me and come out alive. So in a way, this is almost like practice. It is also tangible evidence that there is real love and true friendship in this world. I know it's real because I've seen it, touched it, and felt it. For every low, there is a high, for every no there is a yes, and for every goodbye, there is a hello.
My best friend in school, Kit, is moving tomorrow, and today was her last day at my high school. We've only known eachother for about a year since we're both freshman, but in the chaos of high school, alliances and bonds form quickly. We've had so many good times and she is so supportive of me in everything that I do. Before she left, I made her a memory book full of pictures of us and all of our friends. In return, she gave me a sentimental letter that nearly brought me to tears in the middle of history class. I think that I might keep that letter in my pocket for a little while, so when I miss her, it will be there.
While I still cannot imagine how life will be without her, I understand that these things have to happen. As I am making my way towards my rightful place in the world, everyone else is heading towards theirs. While my journey is taking place here at the moment, hers is leading her somewhere else, and to reach where we need to be in our lives, we have to accept change. I have learned from this friendship, though. I now know that if I can say goodbye to someone that I care about and survive, then I can say goodbye to any friends or family that reject me and come out alive. So in a way, this is almost like practice. It is also tangible evidence that there is real love and true friendship in this world. I know it's real because I've seen it, touched it, and felt it. For every low, there is a high, for every no there is a yes, and for every goodbye, there is a hello.
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Slave to Acceptance
When I first started coming out, I was thrilled everytime someone accepted me. I would cling
to them for dear life like a safety raft and essentially let people do or say whatever just because I felt like I owed them something. I had a situation the other day with a friend who has upset me on numeous occasions and always has some way to turn it around and tell me off. I've been through the same things with other people who hang their so called "approval" over my head as a get out of jail free card. I now realize that I don't owe anyone anything. The world owes all types of people acceptance and it is injust that transsexuals among others do not receive it. I will not allow my life to be ruled by this imaginary caste system that lies and tells us that we belong on the bottom for ring different. Acceptance is not an excuse to emotionally waterboard people and run them into the ground. I will not tolerate anyone mistreating me regardless of whether they accept my trans-status Or not, because I am not a second class citizen and I have done nothing wrong.
to them for dear life like a safety raft and essentially let people do or say whatever just because I felt like I owed them something. I had a situation the other day with a friend who has upset me on numeous occasions and always has some way to turn it around and tell me off. I've been through the same things with other people who hang their so called "approval" over my head as a get out of jail free card. I now realize that I don't owe anyone anything. The world owes all types of people acceptance and it is injust that transsexuals among others do not receive it. I will not allow my life to be ruled by this imaginary caste system that lies and tells us that we belong on the bottom for ring different. Acceptance is not an excuse to emotionally waterboard people and run them into the ground. I will not tolerate anyone mistreating me regardless of whether they accept my trans-status Or not, because I am not a second class citizen and I have done nothing wrong.
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