He Will Hit You Again

Hi everyone! Well, during my long hiatus from posting, a pretty significant event went on.

I never made any mention of it, but my father has always been abusive. From emotional to physical abuse, he's really guilty of almost everything a person can be in the way that they treat other people. Some of my earliest memories are of him losing his temper and laying hands on me or spewing his hurtful words. I usually just shut up, or cried, but later I would always go back. Women through the ages have said it, but I will not hesitate to tell you again: If a man ever hits you, he will hit you again and it will never stop.


This particular incident was of him hearing some mention I made of the Oprah Winfrey Show (mistake #1), which made him think he had the right to call me a certain word beginning with "f" and ending in "t", we've all heard it. I then told him rather calmly, but bitterly, that he ought not to use words like that because if he slipped up he would use his job (mistake #2). He then told me that I had better hope nothing like that happens because then I would be "screwed financially," (I wouldn't, my mother is a lot of things but she's also a stable provider). At this point I was just absolutely seething, I haven't felt an ounce of love towards that man in I don't know how long. I got the courage to tell him, "You would deserve it," (mistake #3 and the kiss of death)

This began an episode in which he first ejected me from his apartment, saying terrible, vulgar things as I walked out, and ultimately I just couldn't take it and I called out, "drop dead!" behind me. It felt wonderful. However, he then burst through the apartment door, seized my arm, and started screaming and cursing. I yelled and kicked as loud and as hard as I could so he couldn't get me back in that god-forsaken apartment. I knew what would happen if he did. He quickly let me go (I believe out of fear of someone seeing him) and recoiled into his house.

I have since refused all contact. I've been at my mother's house ever since. The next time he decides to call and try to leave me some sob story on my answering machine, or further berate my mother, I'm going to answer and calmly explain to him that I will not be seeing him anymore. I have no ill will towards him, but there is no room for him or that kind of behavior in my life. He never learned the truth about me and I think he just proved that he never deserves to.

No one, will ever lay a hand on me again.

Another Successful Coming Out!

During these past few months that I have not been regularly posting, something incredible has happened!

I had the pleasure of being honest with my grandmother and telling her who I am and what I'm doing. I can just say it was predictable, yet fantastic! I never believed she would have a problem with it, and she certainly didn't! It's sort of funny, seeing as she never would believe that my mom was having a boy until I was actually born. I guess she was right after all!

This is not to say however, that people can always be so predictable. Never allow yourself to believe that someone can't reject you just because you don't think  they will.

I am so lucky to have had such a positive experience this time around, and even luckier to have yet another loved one supporting me! I wish you all the very same acceptane and more!

Exciting and Scary Things Ahead!

Hey, everyone! I'm still sort of in a period where finding the time or energy to keep my posts interesting isn't the easiest thing to do, but I think you will see an increase in updates from here on.

As of now, I officially have 15 days left of school (only 12 if you don't count testing days)! With summer approaching, I am also coming up on my first chance to live honestly as myself.

I haven't set an exact date for when I am going to go full-time, but once I'm out of school, it can be whenever I feel ready. I do however, have a rough estimate of when I want things to happen. By the end of 2011, I hope to be in a position to go full-time and I hope to have my name changed by this time next year.

It's a little intimidating for me to stare at the blank canvas that is my life so far and know that I soon have to start filling it up. I don't know yet how exactly it is going to turn out, but I do know that there are new and exciting things to come! :-D

I'm Not Dead Yet!

Hey everybody, I'm so sorry that I haven't been posting regularly. I can't believe I let it go for almost a month... To anyone reading this, thanks for not bailing on me! I'm just handling a lot of crazy stuff as I wrap up what may be my last year in regular school.

I've been on Spring Break, doing standardized testing, submitting paperwork to my new virtual school (yay!), and getting ready to go to court to testify in a case that I'm not sure if I'm allowed to talk about or not. To sum it up, there was some violence that was going to take place in my school and the person that was going to do it used to have some obsession with me.

I really appreciate those of you who regularly check my blog for updates, but I'm really sorry to tell you that posts are going to be a little more spaced out than usual with everything that's going on. I really appreciate you sticking with me and just know that I'll have more time to dedicate to this blog after this term gets over with!

A More Personal Post

I've decided that I want to be more personal with this blog. If you wanted a life coach you could just go watch Oprah!  I want to expand on my post, "slamming doors," and share my own experience about not being able to have something that I desperately want. I currently have a hopeless crush on a guy friend that would most likely sooner dig his eye out than touch me with a yardstick. In hindsight, this is a good thing, because I strongly advise others against pre-transition dating yet I must admit that had the opportunity presented itself, I don't believe I would have been strong enough to resist the temptation. In a twisted sort of way, I believe that this was one of the luckiest things that has happened to me in a long time. While there is always the pain of rejection, being four months away from full-time doesn't exactly leave me any room for more complications. Sometimes, not getting what you want can be the best thing for you. What one wants and what one needs can be polar opposites.

Doubt

Doubt is a plague that runs deep within our community. It keeps many of us locked inside our heads for months, years, or even decades. It allows us (or outside forces) to delude ourselves into postponing the inevitable, and keeping up a charade that only makes us miserable. Someone once said, "Any belief worth having must survive doubt," and .these words ring true for a transsexual at the beginning of their journey. While this constant second-guessing may take a toll on one's mentality, it would most definitely be more destructive to dive into something of such vitality on a whim. Doubt is the foundation of certainty and without it, one could never truly begin to understand what it is to be a transsexual and what it is to be a human being. So to those who are unsure of who you are or what you want, continue to question and challenge yourself. You will be rewarded in the long run.

Slamming Doors

At times, pre-transition life clearly points out to us the urgency of our need to transition. For me, it seems as though no matter where you turn, the doors are slammed in  your face and the walls are closing in. Try being gay, you only like straight guys. Try being friends with girls, they fall in love with you. In a way this barrier is nice because it gives a person a sort of certainty about what they're doing and leaves little to desire by keeping this false life, but in another way it leaves one's options for killing time very limited. Pre-transition life gets quite daunting at times and at the moment is making me all that much sure of my need to transition. I suppose this could be viewed as time wasting away, but I prefer to think of it as time to prepare for what is to come, so that when the real challenges come to pass, I can face them with confidence and courage.