Down to Business

I am in a no-nonsense mood and I feel that now is the time to get things done. I am so sick and tired of teetering on the edge of self-destruction, so I have contacted my therapist and I plan to get back into my routine of attending my sessions regularly. I have attempted to undertake this entire transitional process on my own, and I've had to learn the hard way that no one can do that. I plan to have my therapist work through my emotional issues and I know that she can give me a reference to a speech therapist. My voice is usually the trigger for my emotional break-downs and I know that if I can just get that under my belt, then the rest of my transition will be fairly smooth.

I've also gotten back into one of my better habits and I am now keeping up with my diary every day. My "Little Green Book," has already become one of my most valuable resources. I use it for everything from creative writing, to emotional ravings, to book-keeping. I highly recommend keeping a diary to anyone in transition or any other major issues in their lives. There is something in the act of changing all those pent up emotions into something tangible that you can hold in your hands that is just beyond fulfilling. Even if you are the only person who sees it, a piece of paper is more patient, understanding, and excellent at listening than any friend you could have.

Saying Goodbye

The word "goodbye" is normally a common word in a transperson's vocabulary. More often than not, embracing one's true self means saying goodbye to many people in our lives. I had a very personal encounter with "goodbye" today, although it was entirely unrelated to my transition.

My best friend in school, Kit, is moving tomorrow, and today was her last day at my high school. We've only known eachother for about a year since we're both freshman, but in the chaos of high school, alliances and bonds form quickly. We've had so many good times and she is so supportive of me in everything that I do. Before she left, I made her a memory book full of pictures of us and all of our friends. In return, she gave me a sentimental letter that nearly brought me to tears in the middle of history class. I think that I might keep that letter in my pocket for a little while, so when I miss her, it will be there.

While I still cannot imagine how life will be without her, I understand that these things have to happen. As I am making my way towards my rightful place in the world, everyone else is heading towards theirs. While my journey is taking place here at the moment, hers is leading her somewhere else, and to reach where we need to be in our lives, we have to accept change. I have learned from this friendship, though. I now know that if I can say goodbye to someone that I care about and survive, then I can say goodbye to any friends or family that reject me and come out alive. So in a way, this is almost like practice. It is also tangible evidence that there is real love and true friendship in this world. I know it's real because I've seen it, touched it, and felt it. For every low, there is a high, for every no there is a yes, and for every goodbye, there is a hello.

Great Expectations

I always find something to dream about.  Just last night, I had gotten myself so worked up for my best friend from out of state to come for a visit before I really even gave her time to see if it could be done or if it was convenient for her.

Like the character, Pip in Dickens' novel (that this post is named after), I  build up impossible fantasies in my head. A simple visit from my best friend mixes with my desire to be myself and find freedom and therefore, in my mind, becomes the best week of my life that will allow me to carry on. Also like Dickens' character, when these illusions fail to materialize, I find myself unable to cope with the reality that was in front of me all along, crash, and shortly thereafter find a new pipe dream.

 While this pattern is clearly unhealthy, what is more damaging, to expect too much, or to expect nothing at all?