Dependency vs. Friendship

I think that when the majority of your friends don't truly understand who you are, it is much easier to become attached to the friends that do. As a transperson, it can sometimes be unwise to disclose everything to everyone, so the select few that know the truth about you can suddenly become incredibly important, but where do you draw the line between dependency and friendship.

I have my own personal example about this with a close friend of mine. I have been more open with her than anyone and she accepts me completely. She, however, is going through a lot of issues in her own life as well and I feel that going through these things together has brought us much closer, perhaps too close?

I began to question my attachment to her, because although she is my best friend, she certainly does wield a certain amount of power over me. I noticed this specifically when I asked if maybe she could come to visit me on my sixteenth birthday so that it would be extra-special, but she refused for personal reasons. Although I really did try to sympathize with her, I couldn't help but feel hurt and upset. It was my first instinct to sulk and decide against doing anything for my birthday, but then it occurred to me how positively ridiculous that would be.

I am going to make a conscious effort to be more independent and try to feel closer to more people instead of just a select group. I think in a time as hectic as transition, that can be good advice for anyone.

He Will Hit You Again

Hi everyone! Well, during my long hiatus from posting, a pretty significant event went on.

I never made any mention of it, but my father has always been abusive. From emotional to physical abuse, he's really guilty of almost everything a person can be in the way that they treat other people. Some of my earliest memories are of him losing his temper and laying hands on me or spewing his hurtful words. I usually just shut up, or cried, but later I would always go back. Women through the ages have said it, but I will not hesitate to tell you again: If a man ever hits you, he will hit you again and it will never stop.


This particular incident was of him hearing some mention I made of the Oprah Winfrey Show (mistake #1), which made him think he had the right to call me a certain word beginning with "f" and ending in "t", we've all heard it. I then told him rather calmly, but bitterly, that he ought not to use words like that because if he slipped up he would use his job (mistake #2). He then told me that I had better hope nothing like that happens because then I would be "screwed financially," (I wouldn't, my mother is a lot of things but she's also a stable provider). At this point I was just absolutely seething, I haven't felt an ounce of love towards that man in I don't know how long. I got the courage to tell him, "You would deserve it," (mistake #3 and the kiss of death)

This began an episode in which he first ejected me from his apartment, saying terrible, vulgar things as I walked out, and ultimately I just couldn't take it and I called out, "drop dead!" behind me. It felt wonderful. However, he then burst through the apartment door, seized my arm, and started screaming and cursing. I yelled and kicked as loud and as hard as I could so he couldn't get me back in that god-forsaken apartment. I knew what would happen if he did. He quickly let me go (I believe out of fear of someone seeing him) and recoiled into his house.

I have since refused all contact. I've been at my mother's house ever since. The next time he decides to call and try to leave me some sob story on my answering machine, or further berate my mother, I'm going to answer and calmly explain to him that I will not be seeing him anymore. I have no ill will towards him, but there is no room for him or that kind of behavior in my life. He never learned the truth about me and I think he just proved that he never deserves to.

No one, will ever lay a hand on me again.

Another Successful Coming Out!

During these past few months that I have not been regularly posting, something incredible has happened!

I had the pleasure of being honest with my grandmother and telling her who I am and what I'm doing. I can just say it was predictable, yet fantastic! I never believed she would have a problem with it, and she certainly didn't! It's sort of funny, seeing as she never would believe that my mom was having a boy until I was actually born. I guess she was right after all!

This is not to say however, that people can always be so predictable. Never allow yourself to believe that someone can't reject you just because you don't think  they will.

I am so lucky to have had such a positive experience this time around, and even luckier to have yet another loved one supporting me! I wish you all the very same acceptane and more!

My Light in the Darkness

I spent the day down in the dirt. Not only did I get caught falling asleep in class, but I was also accosted by an insane girl in the hallway who insisted I had committed some heinous crime against her, and to top it all off, I was interrogated by the police about some insane guy that used to have some infatuation with me and is now facing felony charges.

While all this was happening, I had one thought it my head, "I have someone to talk to at the end of this. I have someone who will care. I HAVE a best friend, and her name is Kali Kelly! (changed her name for safety purposes)"

Kali is the Louise to my Thelma, the Beyonce to my Gaga, and the  Oprah to my Gayle. At times, she serves as my center and foundation and I will always be around to do the same for her. There really are no words for me to describe what our bond is in today's society, but all I know is that I'm lucky to have already found one soul-mate, and any guy will be lucky to be runner-up.

Write-Offs

To guard your heart, and to avoid being anybody's fool, it is actually quite important to accept in your mind that some people are write-offs.Transsexuals can be put into positions of extreme anxiety when faced with the prospect of what some people will think or say. Much of this anxiety can be alleviated by simply telling yourself the worst is going to happen, and you don't care. While they may never accept you, and they may never be okay, you will.

I have a great deal of experience with this. One example would be that all of my female friends at school know about me, but I haven't told a single straight male. I have two male best friends, Jamie and Cory, and I've already cut myself off from them emotionally and am in the process of coming up with a decent cover story to ensure that I never see them again. Will I miss them? Yes. Do I think I could keep them around if I tried? No. Although I do believe in most cases it is better to actually give people a chance, I also feel that sometimes, it just isn't worth it. A few unexpected allies can crop up, but if the warning signs and ominous clouds are looming over a relationship, it may be best to cut and run.

Kayley's Reaction

I just got off the phone. It was the first time I talked to Kayley after I came out to her. It was emotional, and there was some crying, but she came through for me like I knew she would. She expressed some concern and confusion, as would be expected, but she made it very clear that we will always be friends and she will always have my back. It just feels good to know that there are some people that you can just always count on. This is a very difficult time, but knowing that many people, along with Kayley, will still be with me on the other side. I advise anyone feeling completely alone to come out to someone that you know will accept you. Every time I do, my love, and my world, grows a little bit bigger.

Came Out to Another Friend

Today, after having a wonderful mall day with my friend Kayley and a few of her friends, I knew I couldn't wait any longer to tell her. She is one of my closest friends and I just couldn't bear the feeling that she didn't truly know me. So to bring myself some peace, and to strengthen our bond (hopefully), I sent her this letter:

Dear Kayley,
I've been meaning to tell you something for a very long time, but I have been putting it off. I have held this inside since before you even know me, not because I don't trust that you will always be there for me, but because it is a very difficult thing to discuss. I am not gay. I am a transsexual. This means that I feel that the body assigned to me at birth doesn't match my mind. Inside, I feel like a girl, just like you. This is why (if you've noticed) I flinch when you refer to me as, "your gay best friend," or imply any other masculine thing.I am in the process of changing my outside to match my inside. I have started hormone blockers so that I will not develop any more masculine features, and I am in the process of going through speech therapy to change the way I talk. Pretending to be someone I'm not has caused a lot of conflict in my life and I no longer want to feel like a depressed shell of a person. I plan to live my life as my true self after this year, and that is why I am going to home school for a year or two so I can adjust to my proper gender-role.I had to tell you this  now because I can't keep secrets from you. Of all the people in the world, I HAVE to be real and myself with you. I hope you know that I will still be me, and you will still be my best friend. I know that you love me and I feel that you will be able to come to terms with this. I will be happy to answer any questions you have and I hope that our friendship will remain as strong as ever.
Love always,
your best friend

Saying Goodbye

The word "goodbye" is normally a common word in a transperson's vocabulary. More often than not, embracing one's true self means saying goodbye to many people in our lives. I had a very personal encounter with "goodbye" today, although it was entirely unrelated to my transition.

My best friend in school, Kit, is moving tomorrow, and today was her last day at my high school. We've only known eachother for about a year since we're both freshman, but in the chaos of high school, alliances and bonds form quickly. We've had so many good times and she is so supportive of me in everything that I do. Before she left, I made her a memory book full of pictures of us and all of our friends. In return, she gave me a sentimental letter that nearly brought me to tears in the middle of history class. I think that I might keep that letter in my pocket for a little while, so when I miss her, it will be there.

While I still cannot imagine how life will be without her, I understand that these things have to happen. As I am making my way towards my rightful place in the world, everyone else is heading towards theirs. While my journey is taking place here at the moment, hers is leading her somewhere else, and to reach where we need to be in our lives, we have to accept change. I have learned from this friendship, though. I now know that if I can say goodbye to someone that I care about and survive, then I can say goodbye to any friends or family that reject me and come out alive. So in a way, this is almost like practice. It is also tangible evidence that there is real love and true friendship in this world. I know it's real because I've seen it, touched it, and felt it. For every low, there is a high, for every no there is a yes, and for every goodbye, there is a hello.