Sunday, March 27, 2011

The Choice

So I was just talking with my mom about my sweet sixteen in December. I know it's a long way away, but since I've already missed my entire childhood, I'm unwilling to let what is really the last big event in a girl's life before she reaches womanhood. I plan to have a venetian-masquerade themed party with all the bells and whistles. I want at least a few pictures to show my children of how their mommy looked when she was young. I will already be full-time so it is certainly do-able, it is just a matter of how. Before I presented it to my mom, I had already researched it and was reading off quotes and figures from my little green book.

She said that is is do-able, pretty much exactly the way  I want it, but since money is tight, and venues and catering is expensive, I am going to have to choose between an enormous celebration and a car. While one could argue that a car is more practical, the pictures and memories of this momentous celebration seem priceless to me. My mind is pretty much made up about this, I was just wondering what you guys would think. Would you take the car, or the huge party?

Down to Business

I am in a no-nonsense mood and I feel that now is the time to get things done. I am so sick and tired of teetering on the edge of self-destruction, so I have contacted my therapist and I plan to get back into my routine of attending my sessions regularly. I have attempted to undertake this entire transitional process on my own, and I've had to learn the hard way that no one can do that. I plan to have my therapist work through my emotional issues and I know that she can give me a reference to a speech therapist. My voice is usually the trigger for my emotional break-downs and I know that if I can just get that under my belt, then the rest of my transition will be fairly smooth.

I've also gotten back into one of my better habits and I am now keeping up with my diary every day. My "Little Green Book," has already become one of my most valuable resources. I use it for everything from creative writing, to emotional ravings, to book-keeping. I highly recommend keeping a diary to anyone in transition or any other major issues in their lives. There is something in the act of changing all those pent up emotions into something tangible that you can hold in your hands that is just beyond fulfilling. Even if you are the only person who sees it, a piece of paper is more patient, understanding, and excellent at listening than any friend you could have.

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Thank You!

I am in complete and total shock! I never thought that my following would even reach the double digits, let alone past twenty! I also never expected to have an article written about me on another trans-blog or for people to care about the ravings of a teenage girl!

I want to give a special thanks to Halle at for writing that article and giving me much more praise than I deserve! She also has a great personal blog at: Go check her out, her writing is incredible!!! :-)
I appreciate every one of my followers and I consider it a privilege to have you read my periodic musings. All I can say is thank you from  the bottom of my heart and I hope you all enjoy being on this journey with me as much as I enjoy having you along!<3

My Light in the Darkness

I spent the day down in the dirt. Not only did I get caught falling asleep in class, but I was also accosted by an insane girl in the hallway who insisted I had committed some heinous crime against her, and to top it all off, I was interrogated by the police about some insane guy that used to have some infatuation with me and is now facing felony charges.

While all this was happening, I had one thought it my head, "I have someone to talk to at the end of this. I have someone who will care. I HAVE a best friend, and her name is Kali Kelly! (changed her name for safety purposes)"

Kali is the Louise to my Thelma, the Beyonce to my Gaga, and the  Oprah to my Gayle. At times, she serves as my center and foundation and I will always be around to do the same for her. There really are no words for me to describe what our bond is in today's society, but all I know is that I'm lucky to have already found one soul-mate, and any guy will be lucky to be runner-up.

Monday, March 21, 2011


To guard your heart, and to avoid being anybody's fool, it is actually quite important to accept in your mind that some people are write-offs.Transsexuals can be put into positions of extreme anxiety when faced with the prospect of what some people will think or say. Much of this anxiety can be alleviated by simply telling yourself the worst is going to happen, and you don't care. While they may never accept you, and they may never be okay, you will.

I have a great deal of experience with this. One example would be that all of my female friends at school know about me, but I haven't told a single straight male. I have two male best friends, Jamie and Cory, and I've already cut myself off from them emotionally and am in the process of coming up with a decent cover story to ensure that I never see them again. Will I miss them? Yes. Do I think I could keep them around if I tried? No. Although I do believe in most cases it is better to actually give people a chance, I also feel that sometimes, it just isn't worth it. A few unexpected allies can crop up, but if the warning signs and ominous clouds are looming over a relationship, it may be best to cut and run.

Sunday, March 20, 2011

Kayley's Reaction

I just got off the phone. It was the first time I talked to Kayley after I came out to her. It was emotional, and there was some crying, but she came through for me like I knew she would. She expressed some concern and confusion, as would be expected, but she made it very clear that we will always be friends and she will always have my back. It just feels good to know that there are some people that you can just always count on. This is a very difficult time, but knowing that many people, along with Kayley, will still be with me on the other side. I advise anyone feeling completely alone to come out to someone that you know will accept you. Every time I do, my love, and my world, grows a little bit bigger.

Came Out to Another Friend

Today, after having a wonderful mall day with my friend Kayley and a few of her friends, I knew I couldn't wait any longer to tell her. She is one of my closest friends and I just couldn't bear the feeling that she didn't truly know me. So to bring myself some peace, and to strengthen our bond (hopefully), I sent her this letter:

Dear Kayley,
I've been meaning to tell you something for a very long time, but I have been putting it off. I have held this inside since before you even know me, not because I don't trust that you will always be there for me, but because it is a very difficult thing to discuss. I am not gay. I am a transsexual. This means that I feel that the body assigned to me at birth doesn't match my mind. Inside, I feel like a girl, just like you. This is why (if you've noticed) I flinch when you refer to me as, "your gay best friend," or imply any other masculine thing.I am in the process of changing my outside to match my inside. I have started hormone blockers so that I will not develop any more masculine features, and I am in the process of going through speech therapy to change the way I talk. Pretending to be someone I'm not has caused a lot of conflict in my life and I no longer want to feel like a depressed shell of a person. I plan to live my life as my true self after this year, and that is why I am going to home school for a year or two so I can adjust to my proper gender-role.I had to tell you this  now because I can't keep secrets from you. Of all the people in the world, I HAVE to be real and myself with you. I hope you know that I will still be me, and you will still be my best friend. I know that you love me and I feel that you will be able to come to terms with this. I will be happy to answer any questions you have and I hope that our friendship will remain as strong as ever.

Love always,
your best friend

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Saying Goodbye

The word "goodbye" is normally a common word in a transperson's vocabulary. More often than not, embracing one's true self means saying goodbye to many people in our lives. I had a very personal encounter with "goodbye" today, although it was entirely unrelated to my transition.

My best friend in school, Kit, is moving tomorrow, and today was her last day at my high school. We've only known eachother for about a year since we're both freshman, but in the chaos of high school, alliances and bonds form quickly. We've had so many good times and she is so supportive of me in everything that I do. Before she left, I made her a memory book full of pictures of us and all of our friends. In return, she gave me a sentimental letter that nearly brought me to tears in the middle of history class. I think that I might keep that letter in my pocket for a little while, so when I miss her, it will be there.

While I still cannot imagine how life will be without her, I understand that these things have to happen. As I am making my way towards my rightful place in the world, everyone else is heading towards theirs. While my journey is taking place here at the moment, hers is leading her somewhere else, and to reach where we need to be in our lives, we have to accept change. I have learned from this friendship, though. I now know that if I can say goodbye to someone that I care about and survive, then I can say goodbye to any friends or family that reject me and come out alive. So in a way, this is almost like practice. It is also tangible evidence that there is real love and true friendship in this world. I know it's real because I've seen it, touched it, and felt it. For every low, there is a high, for every no there is a yes, and for every goodbye, there is a hello.

Monday, March 14, 2011

Endocrinologist Visit

About three months ago, my therapist referred me to an endocrinologist. After only one visit, I was able to acquire an anti-androgen called spironolactone. I was actually shocked at how easy it was. There were no embarrassing examinations or a long wait. I went in, answered a few questions, and within the hour I was picking up my prescription from the local pharmacy!

I had to go back for a checkup a few days ago and things are going well so far! Although the medication has lowered my blood pressure significantly, and it does make me feel a little sick sometimes, it seems to be serving its purpose. I will get my hormone levels back from a lab in a few weeks, so I will be able to see how significantly they have been affected. Even if my dosage needs to be raised slightly, I'm certain that it's not far off the mark.While I feel that the pros outweigh the cons, I feel that someone going into this should know every possible side affect, so I've listed both the positives and negatives:
  • Clearer skin
  • Less hair growth
  • Overall more feminine appearance
  • Low Blood Pressure
  • Less energy
  • dizziness

Hair and Wigs Galore!

A woman's hair is worth a thousand words. By looking at a woman's hair, you might get an impression of whashe is like. A jet black fringe may suggest a more wild or devious woman, while honey-golden curls might give off the impression of sweetness and innocence.

With this in mind, hair is one of the most important cues when it comes to passing.  A beautiful face may be overpowered by an unkempt mane, while an average profile can be enhanced with the right hairstyle.  It is absolutely vital (especially as a transwoman) to pick a look that suits your face. For example, If you have a high forehead or a prominent brow ridge (like me), bangs or side-swept hair to downplay the size is the way to go. I would actually recommend a hairstyle with bangs to any transwoman, as it makes the head appear smaller and is overall a very forgiving look. Tyra Banks is currently sporting a fringe on ANTM, so it is certainly a fashionable choice.

When it comes to wigs, you have to consider several things:
  • Why do you need the wig?
  • How long will you wear it for?
  • How much are you willing to spend?
Someone in my situation, that already has long enough hair to be cut and styled when the timing is appropriate, may opt for a cheaper, synthetic wig since it will only be in use for a short time. Someone with a receding hairline, or hair loss from illness, may want to look into spending more on a human hair wig that will last longer. There is really no right or wrong price to spend on a wig. If it suits your needs, an makes you feel confident, then it is worth every penny.

For those searching for a reputable online wig store. I recommend:

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Great Expectations

I always find something to dream about.  Just last night, I had gotten myself so worked up for my best friend from out of state to come for a visit before I really even gave her time to see if it could be done or if it was convenient for her.

Like the character, Pip in Dickens' novel (that this post is named after), I  build up impossible fantasies in my head. A simple visit from my best friend mixes with my desire to be myself and find freedom and therefore, in my mind, becomes the best week of my life that will allow me to carry on. Also like Dickens' character, when these illusions fail to materialize, I find myself unable to cope with the reality that was in front of me all along, crash, and shortly thereafter find a new pipe dream.

 While this pattern is clearly unhealthy, what is more damaging, to expect too much, or to expect nothing at all?

Just to Clarify...

Those of you who read my blog saw me at a very low point last night. To clarify exactly what was wrong with me (minus the figurative language) is that:

  • My mother has a severe drinking problem
  • My best friend lives very far away and not being able to see her just gets to me sometimes
These two things caused what was essentially an emotional break down last night and I just dashed out the door past my unconscious mother and ran without thinking about it. Obviously I came back and I am fine, but I don't particularly recommend running through the city at night to anyone looking for coping mechanisms...

To be honest, I still feel depressed today. This is one of those days where I put a blanket over the mirror and go to sleep as soon as it gets dark, but I'll hold on and wait for the opportunity to find a resolution to my problems. To anyone dealing with extreme emotional distress, I recommend finding an outlet like poetry, art, or music, it certainly helps me.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Shattered Glass in the Cold Night

I let the door slam behind me. I don't know what I'm doing. I break into a sprint as an icy wind rushes to meet me. I have no where to go. My feet keep moving as I disappear beyond the view of the streetlights, with no direction in mind.

I run from my mother, though she's too far into the bottle to know I'm gone. I run from my loneliness. What I thought to be my most valued friendship has failed to come to fruition.

I run. I contemplate not stopping. I think about the dangers of the night on the street, but I throw up my hands and spin around on the broken glass of my illusions. "Take me if you will," I breathe to the night.

My feet carry me past a laundromat. A man looks at me. I stop. I am back in reality. How long have I been running? It's ten-thirty. My problems are as near as ever. I turn around and run bak to where I came from. The glass remains shattered.

My Voice

Hey everybody! While I was doing my voice practice today I thought maybe I should let you hear what I sound like! I don't consider myself to be done working in any way, shape, or form, but it always helps me to see and hear other people's progress so maybe some of you feel that way too! Maybe I'll do a video blog one of these days... Maybe. ;)

My Voice
 (Mp4 format)

Saturday, March 5, 2011

Covers and Alibis

As I'm writing this, I'm taking Trans-related books of my shelves and counters in the downstairs portion of my house in a swift effort to transproof it for my grandfather when he visits today. This got me to thinking, what's the point? I, along with an army of transsexuals, am guilty of putting off coming out long after I became sure of my path. In the two years I've spent hiding therapist appointments, endocrinologist visits, and shopping with my girlfriends, I hve actually gained nothing but more wasted time with my family. I know believe that there is nothing to be gained from hiding anything because now every moment I spend with these people feels like a complete facade. Even if I can't completely transition for a few months, virtually all my friends at school know, my mother knows, and I feel great being around them because there are no secrets. I think I just need to do it quick like a bandaid and get the rest of my family over with. No longer will I have to pretend that urging me to do male things hurts me, and I will be no one but myself. I know it's time and I plan to end this soon.

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Slave to Acceptance

When I first started coming out, I was thrilled everytime someone accepted me. I would cling
to them for dear life like a safety raft and essentially let people do or say whatever just because I felt like I owed them something. I had a situation the other day with a friend who has upset me on numeous occasions and always has some way to turn it around and tell me off. I've been through the same things with other people who hang their so called "approval" over my head as a get out of jail free card. I now realize that I don't owe anyone anything. The world owes all types of people acceptance and it is injust that transsexuals among others do not receive it. I will not allow my life to be ruled by this imaginary caste system that lies and tells us that we belong on the bottom for ring different. Acceptance is not an excuse to emotionally waterboard people and run them into the ground. I will not tolerate anyone mistreating me regardless of whether they accept my trans-status Or not, because I am not a second class citizen and I have done nothing wrong.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

A More Personal Post

I've decided that I want to be more personal with this blog. If you wanted a life coach you could just go watch Oprah!  I want to expand on my post, "slamming doors," and share my own experience about not being able to have something that I desperately want. I currently have a hopeless crush on a guy friend that would most likely sooner dig his eye out than touch me with a yardstick. In hindsight, this is a good thing, because I strongly advise others against pre-transition dating yet I must admit that had the opportunity presented itself, I don't believe I would have been strong enough to resist the temptation. In a twisted sort of way, I believe that this was one of the luckiest things that has happened to me in a long time. While there is always the pain of rejection, being four months away from full-time doesn't exactly leave me any room for more complications. Sometimes, not getting what you want can be the best thing for you. What one wants and what one needs can be polar opposites.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

What If...

When trapped in a miserable situation with either no end in sight, or an ending so far away that the wait is discouraging, it can be all too tempting to fantasize and obsess over that "one thing" that would change everything. While this is obviously true for the transsexual, it is truly relatable to people from all walks of life. Everyone has that "one thing" that (in their fantasies would solve all of their problems. I.E. "If only I was prettier," or, "If only I had more money." While these things may appear to be the core problem, they would not in actuality provide a complete resolution. The pain one feels may have stemmed from a central problem, but ends up stemming out in all different directions and each miniature crisis is an emotional scar that must be dealt with by itself. It's vital to expand one's view past tunnel vision, and see the broad spectrum of emotions going on inside. When there are outer conflicts that cannot be immediately resolved, one must attempt to seek healing from the inside out. This can be initiated by talking to a professional or a trusted friend. The only obstacles in life that can truly hold a person back are the one's within themselves. Once those are dealt with, time will take care of the rest.