Doubt

Doubt is a plague that runs deep within our community. It keeps many of us locked inside our heads for months, years, or even decades. It allows us (or outside forces) to delude ourselves into postponing the inevitable, and keeping up a charade that only makes us miserable. Someone once said, "Any belief worth having must survive doubt," and .these words ring true for a transsexual at the beginning of their journey. While this constant second-guessing may take a toll on one's mentality, it would most definitely be more destructive to dive into something of such vitality on a whim. Doubt is the foundation of certainty and without it, one could never truly begin to understand what it is to be a transsexual and what it is to be a human being. So to those who are unsure of who you are or what you want, continue to question and challenge yourself. You will be rewarded in the long run.

Slamming Doors

At times, pre-transition life clearly points out to us the urgency of our need to transition. For me, it seems as though no matter where you turn, the doors are slammed in  your face and the walls are closing in. Try being gay, you only like straight guys. Try being friends with girls, they fall in love with you. In a way this barrier is nice because it gives a person a sort of certainty about what they're doing and leaves little to desire by keeping this false life, but in another way it leaves one's options for killing time very limited. Pre-transition life gets quite daunting at times and at the moment is making me all that much sure of my need to transition. I suppose this could be viewed as time wasting away, but I prefer to think of it as time to prepare for what is to come, so that when the real challenges come to pass, I can face them with confidence and courage.

Voice Phobia

What makes a voice beautiful? Is it the way it flows with a melody, or its velvety softness as it follows a sweet tune? Well, it's certainly not the high-pitched squeak that mine so often breaks of into. You'd think I would have gotten off easy by only progressing a very short way into the wrong puberty, but nothing's ever that easy for a transgirl. Of everything I missed out on, mother nature made sure to strangle the heck out of my voice. Compared to where I started, I'm in a wonderful place and when I practice alone, marvelous, but god(Jesus, Buddah, Allah, Spongebob) forbid there's someone else around, I can barely make a sound or I might even let out that dreadful squeak. My voice phobia is my last hurdle in passing but it is certainly the greatest. I've considered a voice coach but seeing as I can do it when I'm on my own, should I? Does anybody else have a case of voice phobia?

The Plan

Now that the whole introduction thing is out of the way, we can get down to business. I mentioned that I aim to go full time in about four months, as soon as my freshman year in high school is over. It's not so much that I'm ready, or that I've made great preparations, but more that this simply can't wait any longer. Can you imagine a baby saying to its mother in labor, "You know I think I could use another year or so, could you stop pushing for a while?" Ridiculous, right? That's the way postponing my transition seems to me at this point.

So my goal is to finish ninth grade, transition over the summer, do a year of homeschooling to adjust to my correct gender role, and then see what happens. However, there's plenty of drama that's sure to unfold before I can get to that goal. At the moment I'm only out to my mother so I can get anti-androgens and that sort of thing, but I've yet to say anything to my father (who has so far taken his single-fatherhood rather lightly) or either of my grandparents. Those two obstacles are going to be dealt with as soon as possible. I'm currently reading the book, "True Selves," so I can give it Queen Lauren's seal of approval, and then allow my family to read it. This should be fun...

The Beginning

The title of this blog might suggest that I am here to present advice and guidance to young transitioners. You might think that I hold some knowledge that could help you along your journey, but in truth, this is the beginning of mine.

My name is Lauren. I am a fifteen year old transgirl that just happens to be about four months away from starting full time. For now, I have virtually no experience, no stories to tell, and no advice to offer, but I invite you to join me and we can figure it out together. :)